Wednesday, 18 February 2009

life sucks.

i'm feeling terribly miserable thisevening.
so i'm going to have a little moan here to make myself feel better.

i hate being in sheffield. it's horrible. it's lonely. it's boring.

i'm so thankful i've been able to take a few trips away during the past couple of months. going down to london 2 or 3 times. flying across to ireland. going to derby. it's kept me sane.

there are things i do like about being in sheffield. namely, the awesome flat i get to live in. but other than that, i completely hate being here.

i'm stuck doing a course i have absolutely no motivation to do. and it's costing me a fortune to be here. my life savings have all-but-gone after this academic year, not to mention the fact i'm further in debt with my student loan. i must have about £15,000 worth of debt now. i kind of feel like i'm failing at life. suprisingly, it's not a nice feeling.

people try to console me by stating that i only have a few more months here until i graduate.. but that doesn't make it any easier to motivate myself to do the work which i despise doing. it is a shame though, as I put in so much work during the first 2 years of the course, but on a day-to-day basis i struggle to see the big picture.

one of the worst things though.. is that even after i've graduated (assuming i actually do graduate) i have no idea what i am going to do with my life. perhaps that is something i should get excited about. i can do whatever i want with my life. but it doesn't excite me, it scares me.

i guess for now, i just have to take each day as it comes.. starting tomorrow.

- collect the package which is waiting for me at the post office
- post tom his cd back
- send receipts off to hat trick
- buy birthday card/presents for my mum
- possibly make a new video?
- possibly do some uni work?
- explore dailybooth xD
- drive home to durham for the weekend

tom just sent me a track from his upcoming album while i was writing this blog which has actually cheered me up immensely. i still have no idea what i'm doing with my life, but at least now i'm failing at life whilst listening to a pretty boy making pretty music :)

think i'll end this blog post now. ciao.


Kyle said...

I share the same sentiment. Don't fret, everything will work out in the end. It always does!

Warren-izzle said...

Aw man! I feel the exact same way, I feel like im wasting my life in uni. Im not motivated to do anything and Im not even doing much at home now that its reading week. Just thought id put my 2 cents in and to let you know you arent the only one! =) smile!

Kristina said...

I loathe the idea that I am spending tons of money and putting myself in debt over a college education I have little interest in right now. :(
I hear ya.

Jamesy said...

Hey, at least you're not an unattractive woman with cankles and oversized nipples. There is a world of opportunity for you out there, a world that is closed off to the likes of Pat Butcher and my mother.

Cheer up? <3

Jesse said...

I'm in the same place. I live far away from home for school, spending money on rent and food and tuition out of my savings and loans, and I don't want to be here. I have been having trouble just doing homework on time because I am so un-motivated. Also doesn't help with the lock of jobs in the global market, so I am unemployed, despite trying very hard to get a job. Know the feeling...

Cassandra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cassandra said...

sheffield is much like sunderland, which makes them the two armpits of Britain. cambridge isn't all that nice either.

I miss Durham, too.

Hang in there, buddy.

Dee said...

I get you. I'm studying art history. I don't want to teach, and I don't want to work in a museum, but those are the two main options an art historian has. And i'm starting to doubt my decision, since the field is so polluted with people that have to turn this field into a science, and just suck the joy out of it. I'm forgetting the main reasons why I fell in love with art history in the first place. And I, too, am spending my life savings (mostly because I'm studying in another country, which means I have to pay A LOT more).
when we end up living in a box, we can be neighbours!

etnobofin said...

Sounds like a bad case of "February-in-Sheffield-itis". If it's any comfort, I think we all feel like this sometimes - whether we're at uni, or working, or somewhere in between. Everyone loses the big picture occasionally. Often life is the stuff that happens when we're busy worrying about what we should really be doing.

So you're not the only one. A smart, friendly, good-looking young man like yourself will go far, whatever you decide to do and wherever you choose to go. Keep smiling mate.

(PS. but seriously - make sure you graduate: even if it's totally irrelevant to what you end up doing, a degree proves to the world you can stick at something and get it finished.)

Mush said...

Johnny, You're all kinds of awesome. And it's ok to feel adrift from things every now and then. But as you said, at least you have a pretty boy to send you pretty music. That is definitely one of the better parts of life :)

Emo-x-Tastic said...

It's horrible when you feel like that.
To be honest, the only thing you can do is just stick at it, keep doing the little things which make you smile and hope that something better will come along someday soon.


Belu said...

Hi Johnny,
I'm was just discovering new blog and I have found you.

May I ask what subjects are you studing at uni?

I'm also at uni in Madrid studing a degree but in english and the classes are terribly hard for me 'cos my english is not as good as should be.
But there are much more things that I simply adore of studing at Uni.
Friday parties... I finish my last class at 17:30 a.m. and since then to saturday morning all students go the pubs till the sun comes up.
laying in the green grass on sunny days, smoking (cigarrettes I mean, other people smoke other kind of stuff hehehe but not me)and laughing about everything o either nothing in particular.
playing cards in the cafeteria between classes. We use to play MUS, a kind of Spanish Poker.
well, you know what I mean.

So when you'll graduate you can do a lot of cool things. Keep studing a post degree in another. Find a job in London...

As I said I don't know what are you studing but surely there is an option out there for you.

Take care,

JenJen212 said...'re not alone Johnny..

Gab Bonesso said...

I feel the exact same way living in Pittsburgh!

I just discovered your videos last night. You are wonderful!

Keep up the great work!


Elizabeth... said...


I don't quite know what to say...
I'm going to be going to Uni next year so I cannot currently sympathise fully.
But I know that a bit of Tom can cheer anyone up!
Also, I hope being in Durham for the weekend will cheer you up a jot!

cdgurli said...

I feel the complete same way. Even though I'm a complete stranger, I hope my comment and others helps you get through this toughie. I'm going to be graduating in May, yet I don't know what I want to do for sure. I plan on taking at least a year off to explore my options. I'm just gonna keep working and job shadow plenty of people. It's just a bit of senioritis I tell myself, but I know I just don't have the motivation I've had the past 3 years. UGH. It's frustrating, but we'll get through it together! :D

Dave J said...

I guess you are right in what you say about life looking dismal but then again maybe it is not. I know the feeling of pointlessness all to well that envelops a person but it never lasts. Look around and admire the world lol, people have it worse off, people who could never go to University but who want to. And hey, you do not have to pay the loans off yet, only when you start earning a certain amount, so that is another positive. I am sure you are already feeling better from yesterday anyway now the main bout of misery has passed lol. Just read the comments other people have put, there are some wise words in "them thar paragraphs".

Anonymous said...

I am not one of those people that are afraid to tell others: Sometimes life sucks. Period.

The trick though and those to be admired are those that are resilient and that keep going without looking back to improve different areas of their lives.

I bumped into your blog and after thinking a bit here and there I came to this thought:

When our commitment to positive thinking turns from ‘I will welcome the challenges the world throws at me, take responsibility for my own existence, and make the best of any situation’ to ‘If I think positively and exclude the negative aspects of reality from my awareness, then conditions themselves will become positive’, we are trading constructive self-reliance for panglossian delusion. Also, for many, recognizing the darker sides of our own nature is one of the first steps on the path of self-discovery.

Maybe it is simply a part of growing up. Life brings us situations to work on. It makes itself worth living.

Brian said...

You're yummy.

XxXxXamoXxXxX said...

I really, really, really think you needed a hug then! And if you still do here's a cyber one! *HUG*
Plus Tom Milsom music is worth seventy hugs... :]
It's okay Johnny, it'll all get better!

Kellogz said...

Johnny,i hope life gets better. I wrote about you in my blog. Im only in high school,so I don't how it is in uni,but I hope it get's better:]

Lauren said...


Shannon said...

i sort of stumbled on to your blog through the link on your youtube profile. like all your other commenters told you, you're not alone. i'm way over in the U.S. (california, no less), completely broke, trying gather tuition money for a school on the other side of the continent that's $67,000 a year.
don't worry, though. if i knew some amazing motivational british slogan, i would say it about now. things like this have a tendency to fall into place.

p.s. i noticed you're vegetarian. so am i! small world :)

p.p.s. i googled it. $67,000= £46,906.

Anonymous said...

u sir are just sweetness incarnate. moving swiftly...

i was going to tell you that at times like these it's best to engage in a lil' downward social comparison and then proceed to relate details of what it is like to be trapped in windsor, ontario.

instead, i thought i would share the wisdom of the inimitable ms. roy:

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

my hunch is that she's referring to the prospects of true social justice (which is a thoroughly uplifting notion in and of itself) but i think it would not be too remiss of one to go for a liberal interpretation and apply it to one's own life ;)

hugs of the telekinetic variety

Rebeca said...

Johnny, do not think you are the only one in debt because of student loans. :D Since I have 4 years of college in the U.S., I'm going to have quite a bit of debt when I graduate, not to mention the fact that it'll cost be about $25k if I get to study abroad in the UK next year, and the fact that I will be starting grad school once I graduate from college.

In addition to that, I also have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to law school, but I don't know if I'll get into a good law school/what I'll do once I'm there.

The point is, you're not alone! Don't fret, it'll work itself out in the end. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Keep smiling. ^_^

The Blog Babes said...

'If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.'
<3 you'll find your path soon enough ^_^ be patient

letmebeawesome said...

cmon, you can always be ehm...

pokemon's trainer! ^^ for example.

Anonymous said...

A little less juvenile self absorption would be therapeutic. Compare your problems with those who really have major problems and you should feel gratitude for being exactly where you are.

Anonymous said...

My friend lives in sheffield! OR at least, she used to.
Btw, saw your "are you straight" video after a friend shared it on facebook :P
love the videos!

Anonymous said...

I felt the exact same way last year. I'm still not happy with university, but at least I see that I am learning something, though it's not what I expected or I'd like to work with.

Maybe we all need that time just to figure out what we want to do later, I don't know.

MeaningInTheMakeUp said...

Hey... Know This Is Gonna Sound Lyk Every Other Comment On Here But Your Not Alone.

Im In Ma Second Year Of Uni And Pretty Much Feel The Same. Ive Spent My Reading Week At Home In Sheff and Have Been Absolutly Unmotivated To Do Anything. It Sucks.

suri said...

Hey, don't give up!
You make many people smile, You make me smile...why not yourself? Just wait, everything is gonna fall into place, wait and believe :)

OMG, there's snow everywhere, I can't get out of my house! help! xD [this was supposed to be funny. failed. but try to imagine ;)]

Remember, world lessthan three You, really ;)

Flevian said...

Oh no, I'm still in the application process and I was planning to put Sheffield down as my first choice for Architecture (long course).

I went to the Sheffield open day and I really liked what I saw but I have also heard mixed things about Sheffield, namely, some people say that crime is a large issue there but others say its one of Britain's safest cities.

I'm now stuck with where I want to spend up to 6 years of my life, I guess I should wait for all my offers, so far I have one from Portsmouth, a rejection from Bath, an interview next week for UCL and I'm just waiting on Sheffield and Edinburgh. Any suggestions?

Luke Beaumont's Design for Digital Media Blog said...

Hey I just want to send you some love <333

Hope your feeling better soon johnny :)

Garciannrp said...

I really, really, really think you needed a hug then! And if you still do here's a cyber one! *HUG* Plus Tom Milsom music is worth seventy hugs... :] It's okay Johnny, it'll all get better!